I am told that when stuck about what to write you should just get started - so here I go. An explanation of why I am doing this. My best friend recently started blogging about her life as a mother. They are beautiful, gritty, well-written posts.
I have always loved to write and fancied myself as a pretty good writer at that.
Then something happened when I started thinking about having my own blog. I was stuck at the "About Me" section, which you have probably read already. I truly didn't know what to put down about myself. I have a list of titles I have held or currently hold, but when I tried to put it down - knowing that I have thoughts I need to process, I found that all of those things did not actually represent who I AM. And to be honest, I have been disappointed in some things about myself as of late, and was not sure I wanted to "put it all out there" in a way people would know who I am. So instead I have this generic-like profile, although all of it does accurately reflect parts of who I am without saying my identity. Forgive me for this. It is what it is.
I do not want this to be a depressing blogger about "what if's" or "shoulda-beens." But be warned I may use this blog to figure some things out for myself.
My days as a stay at home mommy of little ones is over, and now one teenage boy remains at home - with the threat of my older son making a re-appearance as a resident there as well. I watch in awe as the daughter we raised now is a wife and beginning her adult life within arms reach. I rejoice that the son-who-is-away is learning life lessons that our words and life alone could not seem to instill, and pray that, God, whom I have entrusted him to will Father/Mother. . . PARENT him in ways that continue to shape him into a good, honest man of integrity. One who contributes beauty, kindness and leadership in this world, and whose relationship with God is enviable. As for the boy-at-home, ,he is my last chance to get it right - but deserves to not be treated as such. He is not his brother, and I find I need to bite my tongue to keep from saying things that are more a reaction to the past, than an actual current problem. This boy has inner drive and integrity that follows him where ever he goes, and my constant vigil is more for him to know I am here and care than for his need to be closely watched.
So I am a mom.
When their hearts hurt, I revert to being their mommy. I am in the season of letting go and coming along beside. I miss those little children, but I love who they are!
My husband. I love him. This week is a good week, and I am committed to becoming the old married couple who stuck it out through the good times and bad. The bad almost made me lose my mind and run. The good times helped me to see I don't have it as bad as others. He is a living, breathing, growing person as am I ( and his wife has not been a picnic either!)
So I am a wife.
I am in the season of being a steady place to come home to and having no illusions as to who we are, what we are capable of, and trying to beat the odds in a world that has weighted the dice.
As all of these mid-life changes are happening I continue to have other roles as well: human being, woman, friend, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, aunt, sister-in-law, co-worker, church member, neighbor, musician, artist, wanna-be cook and naturalist. All of these roles are different as well, compared to when I first arrived on the scene, or assumed these roles in the beginning. All of these things need to be explored by my brain and heart, and you are welcome to check in from time to time to see what sense I am making of it all.
To wrap this up, I will just add a note on my blog's name "Embracing Luminous Obscurity."
I HAVE to come to terms with the fact, that clearly life is not all" just so" or black and white. It is a misconception that I grew up with, and has probably caused me the most grief along the way. I am determined to be a person who looks to my Lord for guidance as I live out the second half of my life ( should I live to be 96!). I want to be realistic, faithful and full of faith, generous and content with what I have, and one who continues to build others up. I want to expect great things ahead, and be wiser for the things that are behind. Think it's possible???!!!
That's all for now. I'll be back :)
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